EXPLAINER: Gossiping is one of the most powerful ways to establish friendship

Gossip serves as a natural social tool for building connections and bonds.

You just met someone at work, in school, or at a party. The conversation begins with safe topics—traffic, food, the weather. Then someone leans in and says, “Alam mo ba ang nangyari kay…”

Suddenly, the awkwardness disappears.

It may sound like bad manners, but science says there’s a reason why conversations about other people often make strangers feel like friends.

For decades, psychologists and evolutionary scientists have argued that gossip is one of humanity’s oldest social tools. It helps people build trust, establish group norms, and strengthen friendships. The catch? Used excessively or maliciously, it can destroy the very relationships it creates.

The topic resurfaced after Cardinal Luis Antonio Tagle warned young Catholics against mistaking gossip for genuine friendship.

“If you receive gossip, bias, lies, violent and destructive content, the one who sent you that is not a friend,” Tagle said during the 12th Philippine Conference on New Evangelization.

His warning reflects the moral dangers of gossip. Science, however, suggests the behavior itself is more complicated.

Humanity’s “social grooming”

British evolutionary psychologist Dr. Robin Dunbar proposed that gossip evolved because humans could no longer maintain large social groups through physical grooming like other primates.

Instead, language became a form of “social grooming.”

“Gossip does for group-living humans what manual grooming does for other primates—it allows individuals to service their relationships and thus maintain their alliances,” Dunbar wrote in the book “Grooming, Gossip, and the Evolution of Language.”

His research also estimated that roughly two-thirds of everyday conversations involve discussing other people—not necessarily rumors, but social updates that help people navigate relationships.

Why shared gossip builds friendships

A landmark study by social psychologist Dr. Jennifer Bosson, published in the journal “Personal Relationships,” found that people felt closer to strangers after discovering they shared a mutual dislike for someone or something.

Surprisingly, shared negative opinions created stronger feelings of familiarity than shared positive interests.

“Talking negatively about others can help solidify a relationship by revealing personal information about the speaker and communicating to the listener that he or she is trusted and valued,” Bosson explained.

Researchers say these conversations quickly create an “us versus them” identity that accelerates bonding.

Not all gossip is bad

Scientists distinguish gossip into three categories: neutral, positive, and negative.

Much of it is simply sharing social information—someone got promoted, moved away, got engaged, or resigned. Positive gossip, such as praising someone behind their back, can also strengthen communities.

The real danger lies in habitual, malicious gossip.

Research by Dutch sociologist Dr. Anne Ellwardt found that people who gossip selectively often become closer friends over time. But those who gossip about everyone eventually lose trust because others begin wondering what is being said once they leave the room.

That observation echoes Tagle’s warning that friendships built on criticizing others rarely last.

Science may explain why gossip evolved, but it also shows its limits.

Talking about other people is a natural part of human life. Using it to spread lies, shame others, or betray confidence is what turns one of humanity’s oldest bonding tools into one of its most destructive habits.

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