Grief isn’t about removing pain, but building the strength to continue.
An empty room, an unseen message, a routine that’s missing a presence—even the smallest things can be a reminder of a space left behind after a loss. When faced with an ending, especially one that is sudden or unexpected, some people may find themselves at a standstill, caught between clashing emotions, or frozen in pain.
In cases of loss because of suicide, loved ones who remain may find themselves struggling with pain that feels like chaos. Because grief is not about removing the pain but building the strength to continue with life despite moments or memories of pain. Navigating that involves an understanding of grief and what it’s like for those who have lost someone.
Grief has stages, but it’s never linear
Everyone has their own way of processing grief. Not every way of coping is the most ideal, but at the start of any bereavement, grief will be felt in full. This is especially the case when loss happens too recently, abruptly, or unexpectedly.
Psychiatrist Elizabeth Kubler-Ross identified five stages of grief experienced during a loss: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. However, in the case of suicide loss survivors—those who are left behind by a loved one to suicide—shock and guilt at the start may be more pronounced.
The stages of grief hold a piece of the puzzle that helps in mourning. But remember that it is never linear and there is no firm time limit. Our internal experience is not bound by time, so regardless if it was 10 years ago or a current struggle, you may be triggered back a few steps by sudden thoughts or memories, or help from others may move you through a stage more quickly.
Grief brings in unpredictable waves of emotions
Loss is loss, and one situation cannot be compared to another due to the gravity and meaning it holds for a person. But the circumstances in which it happens can greatly affect one’s experience of it. What makes the pain experienced by suicide loss survivors distressing is the mix of emotions that come after.
A Philippine study in 2021 explored the lived experience of suicide loss survivors and found common themes in their stories. Confusion and disbelief are often at the forefront, because suicide is not predictable as some may deem it to be.
When loss happens, grief and sadness are the most accessible emotions. Guilt is also not a far-off emotion. It may linger in the questions left unasked but weighing in one’s mind: Why did I not notice? Could I have stopped it? Did I not pay attention? I should’ve known, right?
When you find yourself feeling a little better one day and back to square one the next, this is not unusual. The brain may look for the logic in our actions, but the mind is not held down by time. Pain felt from long ago may surface and be experienced as though it happened yesterday—all the more so for grief that is recently experienced or still unprocessed.
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Grief looks at loss, but also acknowledges new life
Loss involves two realities: the mourning of the loss and the living forward without.
Mourning for one’s loss is only the first stride, and it already carries a weight that some may struggle to carry. But as a person continues their day-to-day, it also means readjusting to an altered environment, and this can be just as big a struggle as the mourning process.
Because change can be difficult to accept, especially in the context of a sudden passing. Dr. Calixto Sodoy, spiritual director and CEO of the Clinical Pastoral and Spiritual Care Training Center in Iloilo, describes it as being “caught between two worlds.” The bereaved may find it difficult to adjust to a new life without their loved one. However, staying in one’s internal world where there is no conscious decision to begin accepting the change will also delay the grieving process.
Readjustment, just like mourning, is not bound by a strict timeline. But this is where help can be a big factor. When there is no intervention—be it an external help or an internal push to move forward–this can lead to emotional complications and lifestyle changes that may leave the person stuck and unable to process the loss.
Help, in all forms, matters
If there is anything amazing about humanity, it is the ability to find ways to move forward. Because life truly goes on. But help is integral, and both personal and professional help play their specific roles in the next acts ahead.
Connections and relationships play a key role to break the tendency for isolation that some survivors may face. Since people have different timelines and capacities for grief and coping, those who want to help may have to play it by ear but also listen intently when the communication starts.
Silence can also be healing in itself. Presence, or even the perception of it, matters—just knowing that you are there for them, waiting until they are ready, speaks volumes.
Combined psychiatric and psychological help can be more effective to address the symptoms and provide a space to process the healing journey.
Professional help can go hand-in-hand with personal comfort. Grief is a form of trauma, and unpacking the layers can be overwhelming when done alone. Because grief may need better understanding, if only for a loved one to hold onto something that makes sense. Grief can bring physical symptoms that may require medical attention. It may encourage a person to face unfinished or unexplored issues with the deceased. It may also look like a need to understand one’s life now and how it moves forward with a missing piece.
Loss is difficult, but it is a universal and integral life experience. If you are in the middle of this journey, helping yourself or seeking help from others goes a long way in rebuilding a new life, one that commemorates the loss and helps you move forward.
