The things people regret most before they die are often the things they never did

“What would my life have been if I had only tried?”

Ask people what they fear regretting at the end of their lives and they might think of bad decisions, failed relationships or embarrassing mistakes.

But research on regret—and years of observations from people caring for the dying—suggests something more haunting: what stays with us may be the life we never lived.

Australian palliative care worker Bronnie Ware famously documented the reflections of terminally ill patients in her book, “The Top Five Regrets of the Dying.” Again and again, she encountered people looking back not simply at what went wrong, but at what they allowed to pass them by.

The five regrets

Ware identified five recurring regrets: not having the courage to live according to one’s own wishes; working too hard; failing to express feelings; losing touch with friends; and not allowing oneself to be happier.

Perhaps the most striking was wishing they had lived a life true to themselves instead of one dictated by what others expected.

For some, work consumed years that could have been spent with children, partners and friends. Others kept quiet to avoid conflict, only to realize much later that they had spent decades suppressing what they really felt.

The dreams we never change

Psychological research offers an explanation for why missed opportunities can hurt so much.

In a 2018 study, psychologists Tom Gilovich and Shai Davidai examined regrets involving the “actual self,” the “ought self”—the person we believe we are obligated to be—and the “ideal self,” the person we dream of becoming.

Their research found that people were particularly haunted by failures to fulfill their ideal selves: talents they never developed, ambitions they never pursued and dreams they kept postponing.

Failing an obligation often produces an immediate problem that forces us to act. Abandoned dreams are different. Nothing necessarily happens when you decide not to write that book, take that trip, pursue that career, confess your feelings or reconnect with an old friend.

So tomorrow becomes next year. Next year becomes someday.

And someday can quietly become never.

Regret can look different

Culture also matters. In more individualistic societies, regret may revolve around personal freedom, careers and unexplored opportunities. In collectivist cultures, including many Asian societies where family obligations carry enormous weight, end-of-life concerns can also center on family relationships, caregiving and whether one fulfilled responsibilities to loved ones.

But the underlying lesson remains remarkably similar.

At the end of life, the painful question may not simply be, “What did I do wrong?”

It may be: “What would my life have been if I had only tried?”