I celebrated my parents’ wedding anniversary even after my mom passed away

How does one cope when a parent passes away? 

It wasn’t easy, believe me. I’m reminded of this again, now that it’s August.

Growing up in a small family, part of being the child left behind means becoming the keeper of one date I never expected to hold onto: my parents’ wedding anniversary.

My parents married in August 1991. My mom passed away in 2019, after 28 years together. In their vows, they’d promised “’til death do us part.” I was raised to believe marriage, in a spiritual sense, ends when a spouse passes. Philippine law carries a version of that idea too. A widow isn’t required to keep her husband’s surname. She’s free to revert to her maiden name if she chooses, though many don’t. A piece of me wanted to believe in love that stays forever, even after death.

So after my mom passed, I kept marking that month anyway. Not because the marriage was still “active” in any legal or doctrinal sense, but because that anniversary was proof of the love story I always wanted to believe in: two people who chose each other in 1991, and a family that came from that choice.

Every year, quietly, I’d remember it. Sometimes with a social media post shared with friends. Sometimes just in my head while going about an ordinary day.

You keep celebrating until you stop. In 2022, three years after my mom passed, my dad remarried.

I won’t pretend that didn’t complicate things. The month that used to be sacred quietly became just a month. There was no ceremony to mark the end of marking it. No one told me to stop. It just stopped making sense to keep going, the way a candle doesn’t need to be blown out. It just eventually runs out of wax.

I still remember that time of year. I’m just not sure anymore what it is that I’m remembering. I wasn’t sure if it was a marriage, a mother, or a version of my family that doesn’t exist in the present tense anymore.

Maybe all three. Maybe grief just means holding onto a date long after the reason for it has changed shape.

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