Bad blood: The whys, whats and what-to-dos when siblings fight

Sibling rivalry is more than just power play. It’s interwoven narratives that may well be untangled and understood in later years.

Blood is supposedly thicker than water, but we all know that that saying is incomplete at best and misinformative at worst. But family still plays an important role in people’s lives—most especially in the case of Filipinos, where the family unit is the first experience of a community.

When it comes to siblings, rivalries and fights often happen because of many contexts: emotional, physical, psychological, financial, and even political. But most of the time, it starts with the simplest and most basic competition—the competition for love and affection.

Birth order and personality: What psychology tells us

While every individual has their own unique traits, there are theories that support the associations between personalities and birth order, such as one pioneered by psychiatrist Alfred Adler. Adler proposed that birth order has corresponding traits that are typical of firstborns, second children, and laterborns.

Research shows that the eldest sibling typically becomes more conscientious compared to later-born siblings. This manifests in being more ambitious, organized, academically successful, and extraverted. Laterborns tend to be more agreeable, tender-minded, accommodating, and open to experience compared to firstborns.

Other research suggests that mothers may be more affectionate to the firstborn siblings compared to later-born ones. Additionally, other factors, such as age gap and gender differences between siblings can also influence causes of the rivalry. In one recent study, researchers found that a smaller age gap between siblings contributes to social jealousy.

First vs. second: The power dynamics

Interestingly, the first and second children tend to have a significant power dynamic that not even the third child can truly break. Adler emphasized that the first child typically has two paths: the path of a single child or the path of dethronement. In the former, a firstborn who becomes an only child will likely be the center of parents’ attention, allowing for the development of confidence but also entitlement in some cases. 

When the second sibling comes into the picture, research suggests that it can be a traumatic experience of dethronement. The child may realistically or perceptively lose his or her place and spend time in later years reclaiming this position. These events may also cause some anxiety and the need for parental approval.

In some cases, laterborns also have a bigger tendency for more rebellious attitudes and an openness for exploration and risk-taking.

This includes the family’s values, the influences they allow into their unit, and the intergenerational circumstances and traumas that are passed down. After all, the tree determines the kind of fruit it bears, no matter the kind of watering a gardener does for it.

Research from The International Journal of Indian Psychology emphasizes this: “Children in a family are typically treated differently, and this occurs spontaneously without the people around them being aware of their responses. It will have an effect on children’s attitude and behavior in some way.”

What’s next for older adult sibling rivalries?

So what does this mean now for siblings? Will it always be a fight-to-the-death, even until adulthood? 

Family therapist Karen Gail Lewis pointed out the significance of sibling interactions when it comes to practicing the skill of resolving fights, using their power, and living with fellow peers—most of which are important in adult life.

Professor and researcher Dr. Megan Gilligan added that one’s feelings towards the treatment they had from parents—whether perceived or real—can continue to influence how they interact with each other. Because the deeply rooted feelings and narratives they have merely continued on in adulthood, especially when nothing is changed.

Thus, growth in later years through experiences and intentional decisions, like going to therapy and facing one’s story completely, is a big step. Everyone carries burdens, and more often, they play out in the interactions we think are exempt from the usual “sibling bangayan”—yes, even in politics. 

Unless individuals consciously decide and desire to change, these patterns can repeat—whether with siblings or with other people in their lives—and bring significant distress to everyone involved.